Friday, July 23, 2010

A Great Day

It has occurred to me over the last week as I've recovered from a pretty intense surgery, just how blessed I am.  For the most part, I've been alone in my house since I've come home from the hospital, and in between my haze, halluncinations and delusions, I've had quite a bit of time to think.

I'm not used to being here alone.  Von, of course, has checked on me frequently throughout the day and night, and at times, I think he has been convinced that I wasn't going to live.  I too thought that I was going to just lay down and die.  I thought of my Mother in her final days and imagined that she felt just like I did.  I dreamed of her.  I visited with her.  I saw me hugging her.  I spoke with her and I heard her voice tell me that everything is okay.  I felt like I was on the inside looking out at my life in a very strange sort of way.  It's so funny how pain medications can effect certain people.  I can not take them.  Strangely, the pain is more tolerable than the effects to me.

At five o'clock this morning I woke up nose to nose to a sleeping little boy on my pillow.  I laid there and looked at him and wondered how I could miss a week of his life.  I felt guilty for pawning my children off on relatives while I slept off the effects of pain medications.  There were times that I wasn't even aware of them being in the room with me, and the time I let a popsicle melt all over me while I slept sitting up.

I was close enough to smell him and reach out and kiss his cheek without moving.  Then with his eyes still closed, he smiled and said, "This is a great day."

Today is going to be a great day!  I am loved.