Wednesday, July 4, 2007

I Love My Spanx!

I absolutely love my new Spanx! For those of you who don't know what a Spanx is ... I'm not telling! You'll have to Google it or check out their link. It was worth every penny! But I can tell you that it is almost impossible to get it on by yourself! I bought "The Higher Power" Spanx! ... and I bought it a size smaller than what I thought I needed. That was definitely the sales woman's idea. She told me that it would suck me up 4 sizes and smooth out all my lumps. She told me that all the MOG's (Mother of the Groom) and MOB's (Mother of the Bride) buy them! She failed to tell me that it takes an act of God and Congress to get the thing on and pulled up.

I started out in the bathroom, but our bathroom isn't big enough for me to lay on the floor and roll around as I tried to pull it up ... so I moved to the dining room (after I made sure no one was in the house except me). I was huffing and puffing and grunting and groaning until I finally got the fat rolls and both legs into the cute little thing. After fifteen minutes I finally got it up over my hips. Sweat was dripping off of my forehead and my underarms were drenched! Then I had to reach around and try to get it up over my butt! I didn't have enough arms. I am not an Octopus ... I am WOMAN ... gently plus sized! Once up over the hips you have to get the thing smoothly pulled up under your boobs. That's where the Act of God comes in!

I admired myself in the mirror after all my efforts ... and decided that the saleswoman lied to me. I should have just bought a corset and tied the strings to the doorknob and slammed the door instead! It wasn't a pretty site, me in just a green shirt, my Spanx and a strappy pair of silver heels, with a red sweaty face and tears and mascara running down my cheeks. I leaned against the wall for a full five minutes to recuperate before I sucked it up and came in here to sit down!

Now here I sit in a Higher Power Spanx, and I have to pee. I am 50 years old! Women my age that have had seven babies, and three of them being triplets, have to go pee frequently. I know why the package says *Cotton double gusset (crotch) opens to make life easier when Mother Nature calls. Once it's on, this baby isn't coming off! The package says it's Disco tested .... dancing approved and says, don't worry, we've got your butt covered. That's quite a testimony! Oprah says she wears a Spanx everyday! I wonder who helps her get it on? I'd lose 40 pounds too if I had to put this thing on everyday of my life! Maybe I'll just call up Oprah and ask her if there is a easier way to pour my body into this six inch wide tube of tightly woven spandex.

I also think I forgot to mention that maybe the Spanx company has something here! I think my boobs are a few sizes bigger .... maybe it's just my belly misplaced! Either way, that's the only up side to this Spanx ... that and the fact, I can't possibly eat since everything that once was on the outside is on the inside! My poor organs!

No wonder they call it "Higher Power" ... it took a higher power for me to get this thing on. Now I'm in a pickle ... it's only Wednesday and the wedding isn't until Saturday and I'm not woman enough to do this again! Why oh why didn't I just go on a diet six months ago. I am praying to lose forty pounds by Saturday!

Pictures will follow .... (I promise! ...just as soon as I can breathe again)

Be Blessed,