Dear Littles - Chapter Fourteen

Dear Littles,

Today has been a wild day .... we're pretty much snowed and iced in, and you're having the wildest time taking advantage of it, and tomorrow is going to be worse. Lots more snow .. and lots of freezing rain. Someday when you're all grown and the winter ice and snow comes ... think of me and how much I really hated snow and ice. Think of hot chocolate and warm blankets and the snuggles and books and all the hugs we've had today and remember the days of being little. If I could only stop time and keep us all like we are today ... I would do it in a heartbeat. I treasure every minute I have with you, and I thank God every time the thought of you crosses my mind.

Today I had plans of bundling you up and going out to build a snowman, but your Dad said that the snow wouldn't stick. Sam, no matter what either one of us says ... you always have it all figured out, and you immediately told us that we "could use glue, and glue the snow together." When we laughed at you ... you said the glue would make it turn into "icing." Sam, your brain is always in high gear and always clicking. I love that about you!

Old farmhouses are always cold ... and in the winter, our floors are no exception. I can't keep socks on you no matter how hard I try, and your little feet are like icicles. I bet we've gone through at least a dozen pair of socks today. So I took advantage of those cute little feet and pulled out my camera.


One thing I've never noticed ... and I thought I knew everything about you ... is that your pinky toes are all the same. They all turn in and tuck under your other toes. I had to laugh because your Dad's little toes are exactly the same. You all have little crooked Siekman toes. All six of those little pinky toes!

The highlight of my today is right now ... as I sit here and type this letter to you I can hear you in the living room playing "Church." I peeked around the corner at you and I saw the cutest thing. Jay, you and Sam are standing on the end of the couch holding books, and Meg, you are standing facing them with a book open in your hand. Of course I grabbed my little voice recorder, and somewhere in all the yelling, I could make out the tune of "You've Got the Whole World In Your Hands." How true that is. (When I figure how to make a link out of the .mp3 on my desktop, I'll add it here.)

I love you so much.

Mom

Dear Littles - Chapter Fourteen ~ Merry Christmas

Dear Littles,

Merry Christmas!  You're still asleep and will be waking up in about an hour.  I intentionally got up before you this morning because there was something I had to do.

Over the past couple of months I've shopped and shopped and got caught up in buying presents for you.  I bought way too much and way too many gifts for the three of you.  I got lost in the stores shopping and seemed to have forgotten the real spirit of Christmas.

It was late last night when I went to bed ... I'd wrapped all the presents and neatly made three large piles of gifts.  One for each of you.  It was pretty overwhelming and very exciting.  I was thinking about how excited you would be when you saw our living room this morning.  I knew how much fun you'd have with all your new toys.  I'd carefully shopped and got wonderful nice toys and things that I knew you'd love.

Then as I was praying for you before I fell asleep late last night, I realized what I'd done.  First of all, I'd gone against your Dad's wishes to keep it humble.  I'd gone so overboard that it was ridiculous.  I thought he was silly when he said he only wanted to give you a few gifts each.  I wanted to buy you the world.  He wants you to appreciate the gifts you receive in life.  I do too ... but I wanted you to have a lot of gifts ... because you're kids and it's Christmas.  As I prayed for you, I knew in my heart that your Dad was right, and we do want you to be humble and appreciate what you're given.  I don't want you to have so much that you can't even play with it or use it.

So I got up this morning and I went through the packages under that crooked little tree, and I took away all but eight presents each ... and not eight of the most exciting and eight of the best ... but the eight presents that I knew that you would love and respect and cherish. 

I feel kind of sad that all those wrapped presents will not be opened by you .... but I feel like a better Mother and a better wife for doing the right thing and focusing more on teaching you humility, respect and appreciation ... and mainly teaching you that Christmas is about celebrating family unity and God.

Merry Christmas my Littles ... I love you so much, and when the sun comes up here in about thirty minutes ... you're going to have the best Christmas you've ever had.  Your Dad will back from milking the cows and your Mother is right here with you .... we have a warm house with lots of love in it, plenty of food, a great family and good friends.  We're healthy and we're blessed .... and we're so thankful for the three of you, and for what all God has given us.

Love,

Mom

Dear Megan

Dear Megan,

It just doesn't seem possible does it?  You're four years old now ... and you think you're so grown up.  In retrospect to how small you were four short years ago when you were born, weighing almost 3 lbs, you are big.

Last night you clung to me.  Every move I made ... you were there.  Underfoot, beside me, on me ... and with me.  You're always with me.  Even when we're apart ... you're with me.  You wanted to help me and we made a game out of it ... you unloaded the dishwasher, picked up the laundry and you even washed the kitchen floor.  I was right there with you ... and I saw you in a different light.  Right before my eyes, you transformed from the baby girl I delivered back then ... to a beautiful little girl that is growing up fast.

We hardly spoke to each other, as you were so involved in your task.  I couldn't help but stand back and smile at you as I watched you, and as I assigned you more work to do.  It wasn't that I wanted you to do my work ... you're only four years old, but, it was that I wanted us to be together.

For the first time, you and I had that same unspoken sense that you have with your brothers.  We didn't need to speak.  Your eyes said everything ... you love me, like you should ... I'm your Mother, and we were spending good time together. 

I love you Meg ... more than you can know right now ... but I'm sure less than you'll think in a few years and certainly when you have a child of your own.  It's amazing how love grows and how much I love you more and more every day. 

Every day turns into something even more wonderful being your Mother ... and I want to thank you for making my job easy.  You're only four now.  I can't even imagine how this will feel when you're eight ... or all grown up at twenty-two.  I love you no more than your brothers and your sister ... but you are one of the greatest blessings that was bestowed upon me ... and for that I'm so very grateful.

Meg, I'm looking forward to many more years being your Mother ... and I have many plans for us.  The very same plans I had for your sister ... and the very same things that I'll do with you.  Juli still remembers ... and so will you.  It's called love, and it's beautiful!

Love,

Mom

Dear Littles - Chapter Twelve

Dear Littles,

Today could have possibly been the hardest day of my life, and I truly hope you don't remember it when you're grown.

This morning was your four year check up with Dr. Stone. I was so proud of myself. I got you there on time. By myself. Your Dad ended up having an emergency with a calf that ruptured and had to go back and meet the Vet.

Smooth sailing I thought. After all, you're four years old now and since that magic number came knocking on our doorstep last week ... life has been wonderful. I can do this. Alone. People that work in daycares have more kids than three .. and I know other Mom's that have even a higher order of multiples, and they do it, ... and so can I. Well, after today, I vow to admire them greatly.

We arrived. We checked in and I was smug. You of course had already started crying because you didn't want to be there .. but I blew it off and helped you suck it up.

When I saw the receptionist looking at me repeatedly with a very frantic look in her eye, my smugness started to disappear. I felt panic in my stomach and knew that something was terribly wrong. Then with a white face she leaned out through the window and said to me, "You are NOT on the schedule for today."
WHAT! I have to be ... I just moved heaven and earth to get these kids here on time, juggled my job and pulled myself together to boot. "You're mistaken", I said, "You're the one I spoke to on the phone and I wrote it down on my calendar right then, and again in another place while we were talking."

Of course, the entire waiting room was full of Mom's with kids waiting to get their flu shot and they all got that same smug look that I was wearing only two minutes before.

The receptionist then said to me, "There is no way we can see you right now .. but you can come back at 3:00pm today or reschedule. Today was not the day you were scheduled." I was feeling defeat and was almost ready to reschedule, then I said, "Well ... when was I scheduled?"

She said to me, "Well ...... (long pause ) Your appointment is for this same date and time ... only it's in 2009." The light bulb suddenly clicked on in my head and my smugness reappeared as quickly as it turned tail and ran, and yes, you were all still clinging to me and whimpering and whining like I was sending you to the gas chamber.

For once I knew that I had to stand my ground ... for I knew that they wouldn't cut me any slack if the shoe was on the other foot ... and I said, "I'm sorry, but you put the appointment in for the wrong year ... and I can't come back later today. I live 30 miles from here and what am I supposed to do with three kids in town all day. I have to go to work, and it's flu season, and I want my kids to have their flu shots today like I was scheduled." ... and yes, you continued to climb up my legs like Opossum babies with red eyes and snotty noses dripping on my shirt tail. I was able to keep my balance and stand there with almost 100 lbs of kids hanging from every limb while the receptionist called the nurse and told her that we could/would not come back later in the day.

Yes, you had your appointment and yes, it took right at one and one-half hours as scheduled. You had your four year exam, your flu shots and your four immunizations. It wasn't pretty kids, but I survived. You screamed until the walls shook, and I held my head up high as we walked out through at least 30 patients into a waiting room that was so full, that people were standing up ... and they were no longer smug.

(The rest of the story will be added tonight when my Littles are safely carried up the stairs after being sedated with Tylenol.)

ADDED: I love you kids ... more than you can ever imagine, but today I wanted to disown you for a short period of time. You are smart kids, and you proved it today with Dr. Stone. You were totally in charge. When she came in to do your well check, she talked to you and kidded around and ask you all questions that you know. You all gave her the silent treatment. After you made that secret pact that you make with only a gaze in each other's direction ... you huddled and ignored her, and stared right through her. You never uttered a single word to her. Not one. The entire visit.

I'm sure she thinks I'm fibbing when I told her how smart you were and that you know your letters, and your numbers, and you can trace your name and carry on full conversations, and you can identify almost every thing you see. You huddled and you refused and became almost stuporous and catatonic until she gave up. I vow this day to pay you back when you're a teenager ... out of love of course.

I was never so thankful to leave a place in my life. But I had to get you out the door, and you refused to walk because your legs hurt. I felt like a bad Mother because I knew that I couldn't carry all three of you out, and I knew that if I just kept walking you would follow. So out the door I went with all of you screaming after me. All in a row.

So I learned today .... that magical number four has a bad side to it, and it hopped aboard and went with us today. Let's pray that when you go back next year ... it's long gone and you will at least utter a sound and make eye contact with Dr. Stone ... and remind me, to not do this again alone.

Did I like you today? Not much. Do I love you? Forever and Always.

Love,

Mom

Dear Littles - Chapter Eleven

Dear Littles,

Yesterday evening after work we did something different. A new strategy. A new game. A new plan to entertain you, still yet spend good quality time with you. We planned a picnic and some playtime in the park. I was "high-fiving" myself all over the place for coming up with yet another way to spend the evening that didn't entail fifteen calves, cow poop, and a mud filled water hose.

Just you and me, we went to the grocery store on the town square and we each ordered our own Ham Sandwich ... custom made right down to Jay's pickles. You each got your own sandwich wrapped in it's own Saran wrap and your own little sack. We ventured through all four aisles of the little grocery store and picked up Banana's, a bag of chips and a drink, and you each got a piece of bubble gum for your pocket. "For after we eat", you all said in unison.

You thought you were so cool! I thought you were so cute. You thought you were big stuff. I said to myself, "They're not my babies anymore." You marched like little ducks in a row and followed your leader, just like you do everyday. You melted my heart yet one more time. You reminded me again of how blessed I am, and just how wonderful having you has truly enriched my life.

Then we drove to the little park to have a picnic, and you still yet amazed me again. You sat at the table, all in a row, and you ate better than ever. Every bite was in anticipation of playing in the park ... and that little piece of bubble gum in your pocket.

Then before we even got the chance to play on the swings and the slide and all the things that you always climb on, someone had to go poop. That someone would be you Jay. So we got the little potty chair out of the back of the van and made you a throne inside. Meg, Sam and I sat in the sliding door opening so no would see you ... and of course, we did NOT look at you. That would have been a sin. So I whistled while you pooped, and I tried to teach Sam and Meg to whistle too ... then we sang a few songs while we listened to you in the background grunting and carrying on like you haven't pooped in a month ... and we did not look at you, not even when I wiped your butt on the napkins they gave you with your sandwich. All that for only one little deposit in the potty chair! But you were happy and it's a part of life. Pooping is good, and especially when you're only three years old and don't do it in your pants. I am so proud of you for that. ... and off you ran to play.

As I watched you running towards the slide, I saw you make a big circle and come running back to me. You had to poop again you said. "Jay! Jay! Are you serious?" I ask. So off to the van we go yet again with Meg and Sam in tow! You were right ... you had to poop again! Then Sam had to poop and Meg had to pee ... and our little picnic just had to come to an end.

As we drove the two miles to home, we watched the sun setting in the distance and we hurried up to try to catch it, and we tried to whistle while holding our noses, and you were laughing and singing and talking funny. Everyone was happy, and it was a good day, and I only wish that you could remember these times of being Three.

Have I ever told you how very perfect you are? Can you tell by the way I look at you how very much I love you? You are .... and I do.

I will love you forever, and then some ...

Mom

Dear Littles - Chapter Ten

Dear Littles,

Today was Grandparents Day at your preschool. Most of the kids in your class were going to have their Grandparents come and have lunch with them and show them around and play in the Gym for a bit.

The last few days when I have picked you up from school, you have been so excited, and have constantly talked about your Grandparents coming to school, and you have been so happy and animated in waiting for this day.

It's a real big deal when you're a little kid. I remember those days and how excited I was, and how proud I was of my Grandparents eating lunch on little kids trays in the cafeteria with me. I remember showing them my room and my friends, and my teacher, and the papers I had taped to the wall.

But the Grandparents that had lived close to us are in Heaven, and they won't be there with you for this big event at your preschool. It breaks my heart for you. Although I'm sure you won't remember being three years old and being in preschool, or lunch today ... but there are going to be many more years and occasions in your life, and in your school that involve Grandparents, and yours won't be there.

I don't want you to be different. I don't want you to feel left out. I don't want you to watch the other kids walking down the hall holding their Grandparent's hands while you walk by yourself. I don't want your heart to be lonely or to hurt. I just want you to be like everyone else.

I know you tell me that they are in Heaven, but I also know that you're only three years old and you truly don't know what Heaven means and why they're not here. Trust me, if they could be here, they would ... and they would go to school with you, and they would play with you and brag on the pictures that you've colored and hung on the wall in your classroom. But that can't be.

But on the other hand, you're so blessed. You're loved and you have someone that is going to always be there for you on those days when your Grandparents can't be there, and I'm sure if your Grandparents could talk to us from Heaven, they'd be happy with the choices we've made for you.

Your Uncle Darrel and your Aunt Dana came and ate lunch with you today. You loved it. As soon as you saw me this evening, you immediately started telling me all about it. I saw the light in your eyes that told me how happy you were and how we'd done the right thing by asking them to go be with you.

You know kids, there was never any hesitation in their voice when I ask them. They love you too, and next year and the year after ... they'll be right there with you eating lunch on a little kids tray, and sitting at a little kids table, and holding your hand as you walk down the hall to show them your pictures on the wall.

As for your Grandparents, they'll be there too .... just not in the way we wish they could be ... but I know they'll be there.

I love you kids ... more than you'll ever know.

Love,

Mom

Dear Littles - Chapter Nine

Dear Littles,

Two days ago you started preschool. "Real" preschool. You think you are in Kindergarten and you are taking it so seriously. You would think that your entire whole world just up and changed with Monday morning, when in fact, it was the same as Friday ... except you had to be there so much earlier and the structure has returned.

I had such a plan for Monday morning, and all your school clothes laid out and ready, and Sam, you changed all that in the span of a heartbeat. Long pants you said, and you didn't like my choice of the shirt I had picked out for you to wear. Then Jay followed suit and between you, you chose what you would wear that first day of preschool. Play clothes, and you would both wear the same thing.

I still have the mind frame to dress you the same and coordinate your clothes with Meg ... and that isn't happening as much these days. Independence is shining through, and you all want to do it your way instead of my way. My heart tightens just a little with every step that you take away from me. It's the way it's supposed to be .... you grow up, and I have to let you go.

I felt like you took a big step Monday morning when you walked through those doors. It was another milestone in your life. One that will lead you down the path of growing up.

On the other hand, as much I want to keep you little and with me ... I want you to flourish, and to grow and to move on. I want you always come back home and think back to these days and know how much I love you.

I thank God at least a thousand times a day for the three of you. Even in the moments of confusion and chaos, I thank him for giving me this chance to raise these perfect and beautiful yous.

Monday evening I ask you what you learned at school today ... and you all said, "Nothing. We just colored and we played." Your world didn't change at all that day ... only mine did.

Surely, all Mothers love their children as much as I love you.

Mom

Dear Littles - Chapter Eight

Dear Littles,

Sunday we took you to a air show, but there were no airplanes. We went expecting to see big jets and lots of buzzing in the sky, but there were no airplanes. It was too windy and it was delayed.

You didn't mind ... for we found a big hill close by the river where we could watch the boats in the water and watch the trains go by.

You sit for a long time, then you got restless. You realized that the hillside you were on was steep and it was a long way down. You rolled and scooted to the bottom ... and you giggled, and you had fun. You loved it, and I loved watching you. Every time you reached the bottom, you held hands and trudged back up to the top.

I wonder if you'll remember the fun you had, and how big that hill was to three small children. I wonder if you'll someday hear the echo of laughter in your mind when you see this picture. I know as long as I live, I'll remember, and I'll count this day as one that was special. A big hill and my three kids. Will you remember this day?

I love you with all my heart.

Mom

Dear Littles - Chapter Seven

Dear Littles,

You were so unaware of me standing behind you taking pictures. You sat together by the water so peacefully, and you were so engrossed in watching the Mama Duck with her three little babies. Three. Just like you. She was so proud of them. Just like me.

I could hear you talking and I could hear you counting. Over and over you counted those three little ducks. Then I heard Meg naming them. She said, "Sam the duck, Jay the duck, and "Me" the duck. Three .... just like us." ... and you all agreed.

No matter how I see you grow individually, I will always see you as a unit. You are unique. Even though there are three of you ... you still are just one. A set. You came together.

Just like your Daddy and your Uncle Don, they will always be a pair. They too were born together. Mainly, what I love is how much I know they love you.

Just like I do.

Love, Mom

Dear Jay

Jay. I look at this picture that I took of you today and I see you differently. My mind sees a different you. You're maturing and growing right before my very eyes. There is nothing that I can do to keep you little. Not that I want to, but I'll miss the little boy that you used to be, when you become a man. The one that has a heart of gold towards Sam and Meg. I hope you keep that trait about you. You are the tender one.

There are many times that we make eye contact, and your thoughts seem so deep ... then you bust out into a silly little grin that I love so much. You twinkle and you sparkle, ... both inside and out. I love that about you.

That, and your orneriness! That too I can see in your eyes.

I love you Jay,

Mom