Meg

Dear Meg,

Yesterday morning you got up early .... and wanted to go outside and take pictures.  I think that was your way of telling me that you needed some time for just you and me.  I love those moments with you.  Those moments that are just ours.  Just for girls .... as you call them.

We were outside when the morning light was just right .... just after 8:00.  The grass was wet as we walked around the house looking for the perfect spot to take pictures ... but you didn't mind.  You held my hand as we walked through the flower garden and you pointed out all the flowers that were yet to bloom.

It won't be long Meg ... and they'll all be blooming, with lots of different colors, and lots of different kinds.  It doesn't seem possible that you've grown another year older, and now you've bloomed too.  Last year's toddler child is gone and you're on your way.  You're beautiful!

I love you Meg,

Mom

Dear Littles - Chapter Fourteen

Dear Littles,

Today has been a wild day .... we're pretty much snowed and iced in, and you're having the wildest time taking advantage of it, and tomorrow is going to be worse. Lots more snow .. and lots of freezing rain. Someday when you're all grown and the winter ice and snow comes ... think of me and how much I really hated snow and ice. Think of hot chocolate and warm blankets and the snuggles and books and all the hugs we've had today and remember the days of being little. If I could only stop time and keep us all like we are today ... I would do it in a heartbeat. I treasure every minute I have with you, and I thank God every time the thought of you crosses my mind.

Today I had plans of bundling you up and going out to build a snowman, but your Dad said that the snow wouldn't stick. Sam, no matter what either one of us says ... you always have it all figured out, and you immediately told us that we "could use glue, and glue the snow together." When we laughed at you ... you said the glue would make it turn into "icing." Sam, your brain is always in high gear and always clicking. I love that about you!

Old farmhouses are always cold ... and in the winter, our floors are no exception. I can't keep socks on you no matter how hard I try, and your little feet are like icicles. I bet we've gone through at least a dozen pair of socks today. So I took advantage of those cute little feet and pulled out my camera.


One thing I've never noticed ... and I thought I knew everything about you ... is that your pinky toes are all the same. They all turn in and tuck under your other toes. I had to laugh because your Dad's little toes are exactly the same. You all have little crooked Siekman toes. All six of those little pinky toes!

The highlight of my today is right now ... as I sit here and type this letter to you I can hear you in the living room playing "Church." I peeked around the corner at you and I saw the cutest thing. Jay, you and Sam are standing on the end of the couch holding books, and Meg, you are standing facing them with a book open in your hand. Of course I grabbed my little voice recorder, and somewhere in all the yelling, I could make out the tune of "You've Got the Whole World In Your Hands." How true that is. (When I figure how to make a link out of the .mp3 on my desktop, I'll add it here.)

I love you so much.

Mom

Dear Littles - Chapter Fourteen ~ Merry Christmas

Dear Littles,

Merry Christmas!  You're still asleep and will be waking up in about an hour.  I intentionally got up before you this morning because there was something I had to do.

Over the past couple of months I've shopped and shopped and got caught up in buying presents for you.  I bought way too much and way too many gifts for the three of you.  I got lost in the stores shopping and seemed to have forgotten the real spirit of Christmas.

It was late last night when I went to bed ... I'd wrapped all the presents and neatly made three large piles of gifts.  One for each of you.  It was pretty overwhelming and very exciting.  I was thinking about how excited you would be when you saw our living room this morning.  I knew how much fun you'd have with all your new toys.  I'd carefully shopped and got wonderful nice toys and things that I knew you'd love.

Then as I was praying for you before I fell asleep late last night, I realized what I'd done.  First of all, I'd gone against your Dad's wishes to keep it humble.  I'd gone so overboard that it was ridiculous.  I thought he was silly when he said he only wanted to give you a few gifts each.  I wanted to buy you the world.  He wants you to appreciate the gifts you receive in life.  I do too ... but I wanted you to have a lot of gifts ... because you're kids and it's Christmas.  As I prayed for you, I knew in my heart that your Dad was right, and we do want you to be humble and appreciate what you're given.  I don't want you to have so much that you can't even play with it or use it.

So I got up this morning and I went through the packages under that crooked little tree, and I took away all but eight presents each ... and not eight of the most exciting and eight of the best ... but the eight presents that I knew that you would love and respect and cherish. 

I feel kind of sad that all those wrapped presents will not be opened by you .... but I feel like a better Mother and a better wife for doing the right thing and focusing more on teaching you humility, respect and appreciation ... and mainly teaching you that Christmas is about celebrating family unity and God.

Merry Christmas my Littles ... I love you so much, and when the sun comes up here in about thirty minutes ... you're going to have the best Christmas you've ever had.  Your Dad will back from milking the cows and your Mother is right here with you .... we have a warm house with lots of love in it, plenty of food, a great family and good friends.  We're healthy and we're blessed .... and we're so thankful for the three of you, and for what all God has given us.

Love,

Mom

Dear Megan

Dear Megan,

It just doesn't seem possible does it?  You're four years old now ... and you think you're so grown up.  In retrospect to how small you were four short years ago when you were born, weighing almost 3 lbs, you are big.

Last night you clung to me.  Every move I made ... you were there.  Underfoot, beside me, on me ... and with me.  You're always with me.  Even when we're apart ... you're with me.  You wanted to help me and we made a game out of it ... you unloaded the dishwasher, picked up the laundry and you even washed the kitchen floor.  I was right there with you ... and I saw you in a different light.  Right before my eyes, you transformed from the baby girl I delivered back then ... to a beautiful little girl that is growing up fast.

We hardly spoke to each other, as you were so involved in your task.  I couldn't help but stand back and smile at you as I watched you, and as I assigned you more work to do.  It wasn't that I wanted you to do my work ... you're only four years old, but, it was that I wanted us to be together.

For the first time, you and I had that same unspoken sense that you have with your brothers.  We didn't need to speak.  Your eyes said everything ... you love me, like you should ... I'm your Mother, and we were spending good time together. 

I love you Meg ... more than you can know right now ... but I'm sure less than you'll think in a few years and certainly when you have a child of your own.  It's amazing how love grows and how much I love you more and more every day. 

Every day turns into something even more wonderful being your Mother ... and I want to thank you for making my job easy.  You're only four now.  I can't even imagine how this will feel when you're eight ... or all grown up at twenty-two.  I love you no more than your brothers and your sister ... but you are one of the greatest blessings that was bestowed upon me ... and for that I'm so very grateful.

Meg, I'm looking forward to many more years being your Mother ... and I have many plans for us.  The very same plans I had for your sister ... and the very same things that I'll do with you.  Juli still remembers ... and so will you.  It's called love, and it's beautiful!

Love,

Mom

Dear Littles - Chapter Twelve

Dear Littles,

Today could have possibly been the hardest day of my life, and I truly hope you don't remember it when you're grown.

This morning was your four year check up with Dr. Stone. I was so proud of myself. I got you there on time. By myself. Your Dad ended up having an emergency with a calf that ruptured and had to go back and meet the Vet.

Smooth sailing I thought. After all, you're four years old now and since that magic number came knocking on our doorstep last week ... life has been wonderful. I can do this. Alone. People that work in daycares have more kids than three .. and I know other Mom's that have even a higher order of multiples, and they do it, ... and so can I. Well, after today, I vow to admire them greatly.

We arrived. We checked in and I was smug. You of course had already started crying because you didn't want to be there .. but I blew it off and helped you suck it up.

When I saw the receptionist looking at me repeatedly with a very frantic look in her eye, my smugness started to disappear. I felt panic in my stomach and knew that something was terribly wrong. Then with a white face she leaned out through the window and said to me, "You are NOT on the schedule for today."
WHAT! I have to be ... I just moved heaven and earth to get these kids here on time, juggled my job and pulled myself together to boot. "You're mistaken", I said, "You're the one I spoke to on the phone and I wrote it down on my calendar right then, and again in another place while we were talking."

Of course, the entire waiting room was full of Mom's with kids waiting to get their flu shot and they all got that same smug look that I was wearing only two minutes before.

The receptionist then said to me, "There is no way we can see you right now .. but you can come back at 3:00pm today or reschedule. Today was not the day you were scheduled." I was feeling defeat and was almost ready to reschedule, then I said, "Well ... when was I scheduled?"

She said to me, "Well ...... (long pause ) Your appointment is for this same date and time ... only it's in 2009." The light bulb suddenly clicked on in my head and my smugness reappeared as quickly as it turned tail and ran, and yes, you were all still clinging to me and whimpering and whining like I was sending you to the gas chamber.

For once I knew that I had to stand my ground ... for I knew that they wouldn't cut me any slack if the shoe was on the other foot ... and I said, "I'm sorry, but you put the appointment in for the wrong year ... and I can't come back later today. I live 30 miles from here and what am I supposed to do with three kids in town all day. I have to go to work, and it's flu season, and I want my kids to have their flu shots today like I was scheduled." ... and yes, you continued to climb up my legs like Opossum babies with red eyes and snotty noses dripping on my shirt tail. I was able to keep my balance and stand there with almost 100 lbs of kids hanging from every limb while the receptionist called the nurse and told her that we could/would not come back later in the day.

Yes, you had your appointment and yes, it took right at one and one-half hours as scheduled. You had your four year exam, your flu shots and your four immunizations. It wasn't pretty kids, but I survived. You screamed until the walls shook, and I held my head up high as we walked out through at least 30 patients into a waiting room that was so full, that people were standing up ... and they were no longer smug.

(The rest of the story will be added tonight when my Littles are safely carried up the stairs after being sedated with Tylenol.)

ADDED: I love you kids ... more than you can ever imagine, but today I wanted to disown you for a short period of time. You are smart kids, and you proved it today with Dr. Stone. You were totally in charge. When she came in to do your well check, she talked to you and kidded around and ask you all questions that you know. You all gave her the silent treatment. After you made that secret pact that you make with only a gaze in each other's direction ... you huddled and ignored her, and stared right through her. You never uttered a single word to her. Not one. The entire visit.

I'm sure she thinks I'm fibbing when I told her how smart you were and that you know your letters, and your numbers, and you can trace your name and carry on full conversations, and you can identify almost every thing you see. You huddled and you refused and became almost stuporous and catatonic until she gave up. I vow this day to pay you back when you're a teenager ... out of love of course.

I was never so thankful to leave a place in my life. But I had to get you out the door, and you refused to walk because your legs hurt. I felt like a bad Mother because I knew that I couldn't carry all three of you out, and I knew that if I just kept walking you would follow. So out the door I went with all of you screaming after me. All in a row.

So I learned today .... that magical number four has a bad side to it, and it hopped aboard and went with us today. Let's pray that when you go back next year ... it's long gone and you will at least utter a sound and make eye contact with Dr. Stone ... and remind me, to not do this again alone.

Did I like you today? Not much. Do I love you? Forever and Always.

Love,

Mom

Dear Littles - Chapter Eleven

Dear Littles,

Yesterday evening after work we did something different. A new strategy. A new game. A new plan to entertain you, still yet spend good quality time with you. We planned a picnic and some playtime in the park. I was "high-fiving" myself all over the place for coming up with yet another way to spend the evening that didn't entail fifteen calves, cow poop, and a mud filled water hose.

Just you and me, we went to the grocery store on the town square and we each ordered our own Ham Sandwich ... custom made right down to Jay's pickles. You each got your own sandwich wrapped in it's own Saran wrap and your own little sack. We ventured through all four aisles of the little grocery store and picked up Banana's, a bag of chips and a drink, and you each got a piece of bubble gum for your pocket. "For after we eat", you all said in unison.

You thought you were so cool! I thought you were so cute. You thought you were big stuff. I said to myself, "They're not my babies anymore." You marched like little ducks in a row and followed your leader, just like you do everyday. You melted my heart yet one more time. You reminded me again of how blessed I am, and just how wonderful having you has truly enriched my life.

Then we drove to the little park to have a picnic, and you still yet amazed me again. You sat at the table, all in a row, and you ate better than ever. Every bite was in anticipation of playing in the park ... and that little piece of bubble gum in your pocket.

Then before we even got the chance to play on the swings and the slide and all the things that you always climb on, someone had to go poop. That someone would be you Jay. So we got the little potty chair out of the back of the van and made you a throne inside. Meg, Sam and I sat in the sliding door opening so no would see you ... and of course, we did NOT look at you. That would have been a sin. So I whistled while you pooped, and I tried to teach Sam and Meg to whistle too ... then we sang a few songs while we listened to you in the background grunting and carrying on like you haven't pooped in a month ... and we did not look at you, not even when I wiped your butt on the napkins they gave you with your sandwich. All that for only one little deposit in the potty chair! But you were happy and it's a part of life. Pooping is good, and especially when you're only three years old and don't do it in your pants. I am so proud of you for that. ... and off you ran to play.

As I watched you running towards the slide, I saw you make a big circle and come running back to me. You had to poop again you said. "Jay! Jay! Are you serious?" I ask. So off to the van we go yet again with Meg and Sam in tow! You were right ... you had to poop again! Then Sam had to poop and Meg had to pee ... and our little picnic just had to come to an end.

As we drove the two miles to home, we watched the sun setting in the distance and we hurried up to try to catch it, and we tried to whistle while holding our noses, and you were laughing and singing and talking funny. Everyone was happy, and it was a good day, and I only wish that you could remember these times of being Three.

Have I ever told you how very perfect you are? Can you tell by the way I look at you how very much I love you? You are .... and I do.

I will love you forever, and then some ...

Mom

Dear Littles - Chapter Ten

Dear Littles,

Today was Grandparents Day at your preschool. Most of the kids in your class were going to have their Grandparents come and have lunch with them and show them around and play in the Gym for a bit.

The last few days when I have picked you up from school, you have been so excited, and have constantly talked about your Grandparents coming to school, and you have been so happy and animated in waiting for this day.

It's a real big deal when you're a little kid. I remember those days and how excited I was, and how proud I was of my Grandparents eating lunch on little kids trays in the cafeteria with me. I remember showing them my room and my friends, and my teacher, and the papers I had taped to the wall.

But the Grandparents that had lived close to us are in Heaven, and they won't be there with you for this big event at your preschool. It breaks my heart for you. Although I'm sure you won't remember being three years old and being in preschool, or lunch today ... but there are going to be many more years and occasions in your life, and in your school that involve Grandparents, and yours won't be there.

I don't want you to be different. I don't want you to feel left out. I don't want you to watch the other kids walking down the hall holding their Grandparent's hands while you walk by yourself. I don't want your heart to be lonely or to hurt. I just want you to be like everyone else.

I know you tell me that they are in Heaven, but I also know that you're only three years old and you truly don't know what Heaven means and why they're not here. Trust me, if they could be here, they would ... and they would go to school with you, and they would play with you and brag on the pictures that you've colored and hung on the wall in your classroom. But that can't be.

But on the other hand, you're so blessed. You're loved and you have someone that is going to always be there for you on those days when your Grandparents can't be there, and I'm sure if your Grandparents could talk to us from Heaven, they'd be happy with the choices we've made for you.

Your Uncle Darrel and your Aunt Dana came and ate lunch with you today. You loved it. As soon as you saw me this evening, you immediately started telling me all about it. I saw the light in your eyes that told me how happy you were and how we'd done the right thing by asking them to go be with you.

You know kids, there was never any hesitation in their voice when I ask them. They love you too, and next year and the year after ... they'll be right there with you eating lunch on a little kids tray, and sitting at a little kids table, and holding your hand as you walk down the hall to show them your pictures on the wall.

As for your Grandparents, they'll be there too .... just not in the way we wish they could be ... but I know they'll be there.

I love you kids ... more than you'll ever know.

Love,

Mom

Girl

I've created a little monster. After over three and a half years of my camera being shoved in her face, to capture every breath that she takes, she's decided that she loves it. Praise God, because I love love love love love to take this girl's picture!

This child is no longer just a kid .... she's a "G-I-R-L." A very prissy girl and she rolls around on the floor posing. It's hysterical to watch her. I have a model in the makin' and I think it's fantastic! She is feeding my passion and wearing out my shutter!

It's amazing to have watched the transformation of a shy backward little girl to this new girl that is becoming more sure of herself as she absorbs the world around her.

For now, I'm just loving it! But I also know how important it is to keep her grounded ... so every once in a while I point my camera at the boys! I kid.

Be Blessed Everyone.

You have the whole world in your hands ~

Dear Sam,

When I saw this picture of you that I had taken yesterday evening, I had to edit it. I can see your serious side. The one that I rarely see. It only lasted for a split second ... but I was quick enough to catch it.

You're our funny guy. The jokester. The one that laughs with all you have, from the inside out. You're the smallest, but you have a big personality and a big heart. You are the leader of the pack and you are so sure of yourself. You keep me hopping and always on my toes.

I often think back to the first few weeks of your life when you are being just Sam. In your beginning, it didn't appear that we would bring you home, and it certainly didn't appear that you would be healthy, both physically and mentally. But you are. You beat the odds, and you proved everyone wrong. Except God. He held you and lifted you up. I believe that.

I never believed them when they told me that you wouldn't live, and I didn't believe them when they said that you would not live a normal life if you survived. I believed that God had a bigger plan for you, and he gave you this life so that you will change men and move mountains. I believe that you are such a miracle that God will use you in a way to change the world. I believe that.

You have the whole world in your hands Sam ... the whole wide world, and someday when you're grown up ... I'll be here by your side as you speak and the world listens! I believe that.

I love you,

Mom

Dear Littles - Chapter Eight

Dear Littles,

Sunday we took you to a air show, but there were no airplanes. We went expecting to see big jets and lots of buzzing in the sky, but there were no airplanes. It was too windy and it was delayed.

You didn't mind ... for we found a big hill close by the river where we could watch the boats in the water and watch the trains go by.

You sit for a long time, then you got restless. You realized that the hillside you were on was steep and it was a long way down. You rolled and scooted to the bottom ... and you giggled, and you had fun. You loved it, and I loved watching you. Every time you reached the bottom, you held hands and trudged back up to the top.

I wonder if you'll remember the fun you had, and how big that hill was to three small children. I wonder if you'll someday hear the echo of laughter in your mind when you see this picture. I know as long as I live, I'll remember, and I'll count this day as one that was special. A big hill and my three kids. Will you remember this day?

I love you with all my heart.

Mom

Dear Littles - Chapter Seven

Dear Littles,

You were so unaware of me standing behind you taking pictures. You sat together by the water so peacefully, and you were so engrossed in watching the Mama Duck with her three little babies. Three. Just like you. She was so proud of them. Just like me.

I could hear you talking and I could hear you counting. Over and over you counted those three little ducks. Then I heard Meg naming them. She said, "Sam the duck, Jay the duck, and "Me" the duck. Three .... just like us." ... and you all agreed.

No matter how I see you grow individually, I will always see you as a unit. You are unique. Even though there are three of you ... you still are just one. A set. You came together.

Just like your Daddy and your Uncle Don, they will always be a pair. They too were born together. Mainly, what I love is how much I know they love you.

Just like I do.

Love, Mom

Dear Jay

Jay. I look at this picture that I took of you today and I see you differently. My mind sees a different you. You're maturing and growing right before my very eyes. There is nothing that I can do to keep you little. Not that I want to, but I'll miss the little boy that you used to be, when you become a man. The one that has a heart of gold towards Sam and Meg. I hope you keep that trait about you. You are the tender one.

There are many times that we make eye contact, and your thoughts seem so deep ... then you bust out into a silly little grin that I love so much. You twinkle and you sparkle, ... both inside and out. I love that about you.

That, and your orneriness! That too I can see in your eyes.

I love you Jay,

Mom

Dear Littles - Chapter Six

Dear Littles,

As I sit here and think about what I want to write to you tonight, I hear the song, 'Ordinary Miracle' playing in the background. It so describes exactly how my heart feels about you, and says every thing about how you've changed my life. You are miracles, and I'm still in awe at what I accomplished when I gave birth to you.

Just the fact that I, at my age, could birth you ... all three of you, together, and successfully, still astounds me. I sometimes ask, "Why me Lord? Why Me?" ... but I already know that answer. Because I was chosen. Because it was meant to be. For as long as forever is ... I will always be your Mother.

When my life was dark from the pain of losing little ones before you, you came. You were born, ... and the light that you brought into my life was spectacular and beautiful, and it only gets brighter as each day passes.

I love you. No more than other Mother's love their children, and no more than I love your older brothers and your sister ... but just as much, and that is enough. You fill my heart completely.

I watch over you in awe and amazement at the little things you do, and I listen in wonder at the things you say to me, and to each other, and I catch my breath when I watch the love you have for each other. Yes, I tell you this often ... but it's so important. Love is probably the most important thing you'll ever have in your entire life ... and for me to visibly see it, when you're only three years old, tells me that I'm doing something right.

Then there are the days that you exasperate me. But I never falter in my love for you ... not even the days that you run from me and you laugh as I chase you, and you go three different directions. Like this evening, over at the farm. You divided so equally, at the same time, and the giggles that came from you rose up, and chimed like bells. It was simply beautiful. Just like a fairy tale.

But this evening didn't end like a fairy tale. No, it ended rather unhappily for you and me. Mainly for me, because tonight was one of those nights that I came down out of my castle in the sky and reality shook me to my core. The reality that there are three of you and only one of me, and that you are three years old, in a world bigger than you. In a world that you are still exploring, and to you, all things are miracles. Ordinary miracles in your eyes.

In that moment, you had fun. In that moment, it was exhilarating for you ... until you stomped in the wet cow poop and covered each other's legs with goo! Then the reality of "real life" reared it's head and my fairy tale moment disappeared! But not once, did I falter in my love for you ...

Love,

Mom

Littles - Chapter Five

Dear Littles,

Yesterday you went to the Dentist for the first time, and I forgot to take my camera. Actually, it was your second visit there, but the first appointment for you.

I was so surprised. I never dreamed in a million years that it would go as smooth as it did. You never cease to amaze me how big you're getting to be, or how at times, when I think we're in for a bad time, you do the opposite. Yesterday was that kind of day.

Jay, I was so proud of you for going first. But then again, you had a rainbow at the end of tunnel. A little rubber bouncy ball was sitting on the counter waiting for you. Such a little prize, but to a scared little boy, it was everything you ever wanted. That little ball was the key to your bravery, and made it all worth it. You looked so small in that big chair, and when you reached out to hold my hand and I saw the fear in your eyes, I just wanted to scoop you up and hold you tight.

Sam, I was just as proud of you. Although you couldn't bring yourself to sit in the chair alone, none the less, you did it. You laid on your Daddy's lap and opened your mouth so big. I stood beside you and held your little hand, and when I saw Jay slip his hand into your other hand, my heart burst wide open. I love it that you all love each other so much. I hope you always do. Meg gave you her "Lambie" and you held it tight.

Meg, what can I say? You didn't do so well. You were scared, and I wanted to take you home, but I knew that this was something we needed to do. You cried, ... and my soft heart almost did too. You too laid on your Daddy's lap, and we all held onto you, and Sam gave you back "Lambie." Sam told you that it would be okay and Jay patted your leg. They were so brave at that point and only wanted to console you. But we got through it. Only because you cried, and when you cried, you opened your mouth.

Your little "sweet toothes" had no "sugar-bugs" and you had no cavities. What a good report you all got. Now, if only you remember that going to the Dentist is a good thing ... for we have to go back in six months and do it all over again.

I love you guys,

Mom

Littles - Chapter Four

Dear Littles,

Last week we started a new tradition in our home. Every morning since, before we leave to go to preschool, you sit in a row on the couch and we talk, and we hold each other's hand. Your Daddy and I sit in front of you on your little chairs, and we make a circle. A circle, that is our family. .... and you listen, and you talk. In your childish voices, you talk with such sincerity, it melts my heart.

For a few minutes, we talk about you, and how much you are loved, and we talk about your life. Although you're young, we want to set a foundation for you to follow. We want to teach you honesty, and integrity. We want to teach you values and respect. But for now, we want to teach you to love each other ... and to always hold that high in your heart. You are each other's family ... and that is so important. Long after we're gone, we want you to always cling to each other.

I'm amazed at the maturity of you at three years old, and just how deeply you love us. I see it in your faces, and I hear it in your voices, and it reinforces just how much I love you. I know how my heart feels when I see you. I know that joy when I feel the warmth, and the smallness of your hand, as you slip it into mine.

You now are remembering what we talk about about, and you're telling each other, and you're telling us it is time to have "our family talk." You're reminding each other, and you're hugging one another and you're saying, "I love you."

This week, I've made it my mission to write down every little thing you've said about us as a family, and how we love each other. "For with love, all things will fall into place as you grow." Mainly, I'm intrigued at how you interpret and relate it to each other, and us as a family. Then I remember .... you are only three years old. ... and I smile.

Love,

Mom

Dear Littles - Chapter Two

Sam, Meg & Jay

(click picture for better view)

Dear Littles,

In this picture, you were just a little over four months old. So little time had gone by, and yet you grew and fattened up, and our life with the three of you became routine. Everything in our life revolved around you and taking care of you.

At the time, taking care of you seemed endless. As much as I love you, the exhaustion was overwhelming. I'm not complaining, as I would do anything for you, but how can you prepare yourself for eight months of little or no sleep. Yet we survived ... and you thrived. As I look back on those days, I'm amazed at what we accomplished with little help.

Jo Caskey, your Nanny, was here from the day you came home from the hospital, until you were almost a year and a half old. How blessed I was to have had her here during the days. Oh, how we longed for her during the nights every once in a while. Then, at seventy-one years old, she retired .... and I was lost.

Even as an older Mother, even though I had raised four kids, she taught me so much. That woman was amazing ... she cleaned, cooked, quilted and took care of you like you were one of her many Grandchildren. I listened to every word she had to say, and hung onto every word. She knew you as well as I did. ... and she loved you too.

In the wee hours of the morning, I learned to feed all three of you at the same time by myself. It was a rare occasion that your Daddy missed a feeding in those early months, but as you grew and stretched out the hours, it was just me and you at 4:30am every morning.

It was at this time, that I dressed you all up and took your picture. It is countless, the photo sessions we had. In the night, at every feeding and every time you were awake. By the time you were this age, I actually had over three thousand pictures of you. Over time, you literally grew to hate my camera.

What beautiful babies you were, and just how blessed can one Mother be?

I love you,

Mom

Happy Birthday Josh

Dear Josh,

Today you are twenty-seven years old. Wow ... that just amazes me that all those years have gone by and you are grown up. It seems just like yesterday that you were born. I was young and clueless about Motherhood when you were born. I quickly learned. That instinct we Mother's have is internal, and comes from our hearts.

I'll never forget that overwhelming emotion of love I felt for the first time in my life the moment I heard you cry the very first time. You were here and you were mine .... and that would be forever. You were in NICU for a couple of days and I never left your side. The night you were born, I wrote you a poem ... I read those words today.

Early this morning, I read the letters I wrote to you while I was still carrying you, and it was as if I could go back in time all those years ago and remember that feeling. I wrote my first letter to you the day I found out that I was pregnant with you. Many followed through out that nine months and throughout your life. I looked at my first picture of you today. You were sucking your thumb, and you weren't even born yet. Someday I'll give you the book of letters that I've written to you. I'm just not quite ready yet to give them up. They carry a great piece of my heart, and there are times I like to read them.

Remember when you were a little boy and I used to read them to you? .... and you were so amazed and pretended that you remembered everything I wrote about. As I read them, you would talk along with me and tell me all about "whatever I was saying" to you. You were so animated, and talked with your hands and rolled your eyes and shrugged your shoulders just perfectly.

Here are a few of my best memories of things you did when you were a little boy ....

The real Easter bunny brought you a real little four-wheeler when you were only four years old. Your eyes were huge when you saw him come around the corner of the house riding your Honda 4-wheeler. You couldn't even talk. When the Easter bunny jumped off and took off running back to get another one for Justin and Ryan .... you jumped right on it!

I remember when you got a Sega Master System for Christmas, and you weren't even old enough to really play it yet. (yes, your Grandpa Keith spoiled you kids) But I was. You would sit by my side and watch and try to get to every level right along with me. The last thing you would say to me was, "Mommy, wake me up if you get there." .... and I did. What was I thinking? I would tiptoe in your room and carry you out of your room, still asleep, and lay you on the couch by me, and you would wake up and give me hugs because it made you so happy! That was in the 1980's ... I wouldn't do that today. I'm older and wiser and would never wake a sleeping child!

Do you remember when we practiced for a Earthquake .... and I kept you all home from school because we were supposed to have "the big one." I stored water and food and decided that if it came in the night, how would you know what to do? How would I get all four of you from your beds and out the door? How could I get you all down the stairs? I took the threat serious and meant business .... so we were going to have a "earthquake drill." For a couple of days, I repeated the procedure and explained that you were all to run down the stairs and straight out the front door and go across the road and hold on to that big tree, and no matter what ... don't let go of the tree because I would come and get you. I promised, because I am your Mother and I loved you more than anyone on earth. And we practiced, and you laughed and thought I was silly.

So, the time came to have the real drill, and I waited until you were all asleep and then I stood at the top of the stairs and yelled as loud as I could ....."EARTHQUAKE." ... and you were the only one that ran down the stairs, out the door and across the road and you hugged that tree like it was going to save your life. Juli, Joey and Jared all stood at the top of the stairs and screamed and cried and were terrified .... and at that moment, I realized how wrong I was to do this to you. But I did it because I loved you so much! I'm sorry for that now ... I must have scared you to death.

Do you remember when you duct taped the kids to your mattress and slid them down the stairs? I do ... I wanted to wring your neck.

Do you remember when you wrote a little play called "Shy Monster" and you were the director, the producer and the star? You read your play out loud. I still have that hand written play, and I love it.

Do you remember when you ramped your little truck through the upstairs window and thought that was the coolest thing in the world because it landed on it's tires and kept going? Again .... I wanted to wring your neck.

Do you remember when you got your drivers license and you ripped the door off of our van backing up with it open, and you brought it home and parked it behind the house with the wrecked side facing away .... like I wouldn't notice! Yeah right! I think I did wring your neck on that one ....

Do you remember when you got mad at me .... you would "separate." Just like Voltron ... or was that Transformers? Your face turned red and you shook all over until you "separated." Oh that was so cute!

Do you remember when I was paranoid about strangers because we lived by a highway .... and the test that you all had to take? What was it going to prove? I typed a test with 15 questions and scenario's about strangers knocking on our doors, and having car trouble, or wanting to use the phone, or just about anything I could think of. I tried to trick you, but I tried to be real and get the answer that I wanted. You flunked it. You all did. You would have let a stranger come in our house, give him gas, borrow the car, use the phone, etc... We did another test! I'll never forget how I had each of you sitting at the kitchen table going over each question and why it was dangerous. Do you ever have any doubts about my sanity? ... or is it Motherly love?

There are so many things about you and happy memories and funny stories, and I could keep writing until tomorrow. We'll save it for a day that we're together and we'll talk about those times when you were a little boy. Once you told me that you had the best childhood, and that meant the world to me, for I know that is because I made it good for you.

My children's birthdays are so emotional for me. They should be happy times, and they are, but I reminisce back to the days when you were babies and just little tykes and I was your whole world. I like to think about the fun times you had and all the experiences that made you who you are today.

Mainly, I'm so glad that you did not move away when you grew up, and you're just a stone throw away from me, and you're always just a phone call away. It's wonderful to pick up the phone and know that you'll always answer when I call.

Now you're a Daddy to Luke and Carter ... and I know you know what love is. Isn't it wonderful?

Happy Birthday Josh! You are so loved my son, and I so love being your Mother!

Love,

Mom

Hand in Hand

I felt the need to have a little one on one with my child, and a special little boy named Jay spent some time with me this evening.

We got Sam and Meg to go upstairs to watch TV, so that Jay and I could leave without them crying to go with us. They'll get their turn, but tonight it was Jay's turn.

He was so excited and put his coat on by himself. He stood at the door and ask me if I was ready to go. Then he reached out his hand and slipped his into mine.

His little hand was so warm and so small, and I was so aware of his fingers wrapped tightly around mine. We walked side by side down the narrow sidewalk with our arms swinging in the night air. As I looked down at the top of his little head, it just amazed me how tall he is getting and how grown up he must feel tonight. It was just me and him. He was looking up at me and talking as we walked to the car, and he was totally oblivious to where we were going. Just happy to be going.

We weren't going anywhere special. Only for a short drive just so we could talk. Just me and him, by ourselves, just for the pure joy of his company. Company that I was needing tonight. Him.

I ask Jay what he learned at school today, and he sighed and said, "I didn't learn nothing ... I just colored." ... and that made me smile. I ask him if he learned his ABC's or counted his numbers, and he rubbed his little head and said to me, "I already know them all." In the dark, quietly to myself, I smiled even bigger. He melts my heart.

We only drove for a short distance and our little mission was accomplished. As I pulled back into the drive, I heard Jay yawning and ask him if he was ready to go home, and ready to go to bed, and he said in the most grown up of voices, "Mommy, you forgot to bring my Jammie's with you."

I unbuckled him from his car seat and ask him if he wanted me to carry him in the house, and he said to me, "I'm very big, I can walk now", then he sweetly said, "Mommy, will you hold my hand?"

I reached down and took his little hand in mine and we walked up the sidewalk together .... side by side. I was so aware of how small his hand was, and how warm, and just how good his hand felt in mine.

Someday, his hand will be bigger than mine and he'll lead me up and down that sidewalk ...

Be Blessed Everyone.

Happy Birthday Jared!

Dear Jared,

Today you're twenty-three years old. You were my baby for twenty years. Then you became my middle child in the course of three minutes. How blessed I am to have you.

As I sit here writing this birthday letter to you .... I smile. For I know, that you know, how much I love you. I am your biggest fan and one of your best friends, as well as your Mother. I'd go the extra mile for you and more. Beyond all limits, because I am your Mother ... and you are my son.

You came into this world in a blinding blizzard. You came easy and quickly, and were so beautiful and perfect. Except for the last three years, you have always been my baby. That was special to me. Although I love you all equally, you were special because I believed in my heart, I would never have another child.

As you grew I couldn't have ask for a better child. You caused me no worries and I have always been so proud of you. You didn't give in to peer pressure and you chose your path wisely. Now you're a teacher of man. I'm proud of that. You followed the path of education. .... and you chose to educate children.

As I sat here last night thinking of what I would write to you .... I thought of several things. I was reflecting back on your love of life. I remember how much you nurtured the animals in your life. How very much you loved them and had a bond with them. A wonderful light would shine in your eyes and your heart was so full.

I thought about the Mother's Day that you all bought me a bicycle. You were still a little boy, and way too small to ride such a big bicycle. I turned my back for one brief moment and you manged to hop onto that bike. How you kept your balance I'll never know. Time stood still for me, and I know I didn't breath, as I ran after you down a steep brick lined street. The crash at the bottom of that hill, at the time, was the worst thing I'd ever experienced in my life. The car shreeched to a halt at the same time you crashed the bicycle. From my point of view, I thought the car had hit you.

I'll never forget the feelings I had as I reached you laying unconscious on that hot pavement. I'll never forget the fear that washed over me when I couldn't wake you up. Standing there frozen in fear, I thought I had lost you forever. In my panic, I could only stand and scream, and make sure no one touched you until the ambulance came. But you were okay. A pampered night in the hospital and you were as good as new with only a few scrapes and bruises.

I learned in those few moments that life is precious, and in a heartbeat, it can be gone and change your course forever. We were lucky. God chose to keep you here and keep you perfect.

Now after all these years, I want to apologize for something I did to you. At the time, I thought it was funny ... and on occasion, I still do. I'm sorry for "zip-tieing" your arm to your bicycle in the garage. I made you cry and I laughed and took your picture. It was all in a joke. You thought so too until I wouldn't cut the strap and set you free. For that, I'm sorry. But I do have to tell .... you asked me to show you how that zip-tie worked and thought you were Houdini. Ha ~

Now you're a married man, much in love, and live in Mississippi. I miss you being physically close to me, but no matter where you are .... you'll always be right here in my heart and a phone call away.

I'm happy for you Jared. You're doing well in your life and again, I have no worries. Thank you for that.

Love always,

Mom

Happy Birthday Joey

Dear Joey,

Today is your birthday .... and you're twenty-four. It's hard for me to believe that you're a man, yet to me, you're still my little boy. Not only are you a grown man now, but you're a man of God. As a young man you found God, and he has changed your life in so many ways. Of all your many accomplishments in your life, I know that this was your destination. The place that you were meant to be. The paths that you traveled to get there were not hard for you, and I especially love it that you found him when you were young. He will fulfill your whole life in so many ways. Of course, you'll still have struggles, as we all do, but you have the strength of God standing behind you and lifting you up in your life. You're a lucky man.

Joey, we've never talked about this, me and you, but I feel in my heart that God has a plan for you. One that you don't even know yet. I feel that your mission will be to speak to the poor, and your voice will change the lives of many young people. I feel that there will be times in your life that you will be hungry, for you will do without, and give to the needy. I know that you know that God will see you through. I feel that there will be many times in your life that you will be poor on this earth, but so very rich in spirit, and I know this will happen because it will be your choice.

Over the past three years as I've watched you grow in your love for God, I used to think that you were moving away from me, that you were somewhere above me, but I know that you know my heart and I know that even if you're away from me in miles, you're always right here, just a phone call away and you'll always be with me no matter where you are.

My fear used to be that you would move far away, to another country even. I feel it in my bones, that you'll live where you're needed, somewhere that isn't the home you know. We've always been so close, and it's hard as your Mother to let you go, but I know in my heart that you're already gone. There are others in this world that need your presence, and the gifts you have, more than I do. But I also know that I am your Mother, and you love me very much. I'm very proud of you and the choices you've made in your life.

Joey, you're going to be an awesome Minister and I hope that through the course of your walk, you'll find, and lead, many to walk along beside you. Remember to hold their hands, for if they fall, you'll be there to help them back up. Your strength will be like that mighty Oak tree that we've both searched for in the bible, and can't find, the one that must have been in my dream for you, many years ago.

Happy Birthday my beautiful son, and I love you very much!

Mom